1997/98

16.9.97 PAOK Salonika 1 Arsenal 0

30.9.97 Arsenal 1 PAOK Salonika 1

16.9.97

PAOK Salonika 1 Arsenal 0

There’s a lot of old fanny talked about Greek and Turkish sides. All their grounds have threatening nicknames like ‘Hell’, ‘Death’ or ‘Shithole’. This mob, PAOK, are no exception. Having a ground that vaguely sounds like ‘Tomb’ they make that giant leap of imagination and call their ground…’Tomb’. It could start a whole new trend. Just think, ‘Traff’, ‘Field’, ‘Bert’ (I like that one) and our own ‘Bury’, of course.

So there we have this Greek nightmare; intimidating ground, intimidating crowd, intimidating atmosphere, blah, blah, blah. Well, tough klefitico Georgos, we’re not intimidated anymore. The English are used to being crated up, treated badly, fed slops and then dumped into some medieval bumhole to be greeted by the chilling words, "Welcome to Crapos. My name’s Lisa, I’m your Thompsons holiday rep." You see, we’ve been there, we know what it’s like. Intimidation and a few low gravity muscular players are all you’ve got, Stav. Really. Name me one Greek flair player in the last twenty years. No can do. You’ll have better luck trying to name one British politician who’s not been caught doing a bit of pork dictation to his secretary.

Before I get inundated by badly spelt E mails accusing me of racism, let me just say in the best tradition of liberal apologists that some of my best friends are Greek. No, I’ll correct that, all of my best friends are Greek. If you’re brought up in North London you’re bound to accumulate a few Greek mates and if they are reading this, they’ll fucking kill me. As it is, they’re probably laughing their socks off (they’re all Spurs supporters, too) and I reckon they’re absolutely right. Arsenal were dreadful, tonight. The Greeks kept their shape, kept to their plans, caught Arsenal on the break and managed to squeeze a goal, (albeit somewhat offside) that squirmed through Seaman’s legs. Wright went close with a free kick that was well saved and that really was the highlight. All the other great Arsenal moves seemed to occur behind the pillars that the Greek cameramen had difficulty in focusing out.

Wenger’s tactical ploy of throwing on bodies: Wreh, Platt and Boa Morte was a complete pile of pants. The passing was dreadful with Anelka and Petit looking very ill at ease. Only Bould and Adams can come out of this mess with any credit. The problem really can be summed up in one word: Bergkamp. They should have slipped him a mickey, bundled him in a sack and woke him up in Athens airport. On the night our midfield looked very ordinary; stacks of one paced passes that the Greeks lapped up.

Still, there is the return leg. We’ll have Bergkamp with a bit of luck and a decent pitch, a partisan crowd and a whole heap of excuses ready if we cock it up.

Man of the Match: Welcome back, Mr Tony Adams.

30.9.97

Arsenal 1 PAOK Salonika 1

I’ve always suspected that I’m a borderline Tourette’s syndrome case. Walking down the street, shouting out ‘Arse, Fuck, Wank’ for no apparent reason, is, on my reckoning, an essential mechanism for staying sane. So, in the long tradition of the mentally challenged, I’ll forego the rational narrative and just stand on a metaphorical street corner and have a bit of a disjointed rant.

Seaman

Simple. Ultimately, it was his fault that the highlight of our calendar is now a home tie against Birmingham City. His underpowered clearance went straight to a Salonika player, who returned it with a deft pass and a bit of clever play that led to the Greek goal three minutes from time. (But see ‘Adams’ below.) Seaman has looked increasingly flappy of late (Leicester, Chelsea, the first Everton goal.) Perhaps the time has come to think the unthinkable and we’re not talking about a much needed haircut.

Dixon

Wasteful, wasteful, wasteful. He is the lad who grafted at school all the hours that God gave him and still only came away with a CSE grade 3 in woodwork.

Winterburn

Bags of endeavour, but only one foot.

Vieira

Did well. Saw a lot of the ball, but was caught out a couple of times. A great player, but we reckon that he looked a tad cream crackered.

Bould

Those long Twizzle legs are looking a bit stretched. Might be time to retire him to a large field in Hertfordshire.

Adams

Played great/played crap. His failure to intercept the Greek attack led to their goal. Under Wenger he is becoming a different player. The question is, what kind?

Petit

Just gets better and better. And you thought looking like Darren Peacock’s uglier brother was a handicap.

Overmars

He looked like he was carrying an injury. One paced runs into walls of stocky Greeks wore us all down. He didn’t look like he could pick his way through a group of Greek widows in a Harringey greengrocers.

Wright

Nightmare time. A couple of games like that and he’ll be back scoring between two piles of coats on some scrubby common in south London. Still, even God has his bad days, how else can you explain: Brussel sprouts, the duck billed platypus, (the David Plattypus) Paddy Ashdown, Wales, etc.)

Parlour

Still having his best ever season. Could do with a bit of support both on and off the pitch.

Bergkamp

Superb. Carved his goal out of granite. Picked his way through a packed Greek defence, found the thinnest of angles and took the limited chance magnificently. He also filled in as a surrogate centre back when a couple of the old boys couldn’t be arsed to get back.

Wenger

We’re beginning to wonder if he has any strategic marbles at all. He puts out his best team and believe me, they are good. But they are also incredibly predictable. You wondered, where was the technical acumen? Where was the ability to adjust? Old George would have played with three at the back, with a sweeper and exhibited a degree of patience that Wenger has yet to learn.

The Greeks

They played well. Their movement off the ball was in marked contrast the Arsenal’s (ie. there was some) was terrific. However, it was their ability to exploit the tactical dimensions of the game that won it for them. If you’re going to drive a car, you’ve got to use more than one gear.

What Now

We might aspire to be Man Utd, but in reality we’re just about Glasgow Rangers. Being lumped in with a bunch of Scottish underachievers and Leicester is about right. Arsenal, currently, aren’t the finished article by a long way. Relying too much on individual team performances is the current Arsenal way, not the historic. It’s time to tear off the paper that was put over the cracks and fill it with something more substantial

Arse, fuck, wank. Goodnight.

Man of the Match: You’ll believe a man can fly, Dennis Bergkamp.